| I'm bringing xanga back. Yeah. I haven't updated this blog in the longest time, but I have a sudden urge to share with the online world what I've been up to. It's funny because I'm sure no one will be reading this. And yet, I'll still take that risk and post personal entries on this impersonal weblog. Oh, the irony. I've had endless entries from high school of all my ups and downs - mostly because of grades and friendships - but I've privated them all. I wanted to delete them and start all over with a clean slate, but I think someday I'll read it again and laugh about it. That's how I think about my high school career - I thought I had it the hardest with SATs and AP tests and just school stuff. That was stress. Looking at it now, I was extremely naiive to even think that that was the most difficult thing anyone could ever experience. This past year was the most difficult academic year in my life. It was the most head-bursting, hair-pulling, heart-aching year out of the three. I don't mean to blame anyone because I know it's no one's fault. I just put it all on myself. I was juggling school work, Ascension, and Kairos Church events. I didn't want Ascension to be my life, so I tried equally to be involved in not only attending church, but also serving in various ministries. It was my first year on Ascension where I wasn't just another member of the team. I played an important role in taking care of logistics, planning, coordinating, scheduling, making mixes and occasionally choreographing. I haven't been training for a long time - I know I'm not a great dancer. I understand that there are thousands of dancers and I can truthfully and honestly say that I didn't deserve to be coordinator of the team. But it happened. I wasn't expecting such a difficult year, and I was very excited in October when we called up people to tell them they made it on the team. There were things here and there from the beginning that made it hard, and after we cleared that up, we'd just have more and more issues come up. It was a constant cycle: problem, let emotions get the best of me, fix the problem, serenity for a little while, and then another problem. It was like that up until the last week before our one and only competition. Seriously. No joke. (Even after the competition, I was having a horrible recuperating week - like a post-traumatic syndrome-kinda thing.) I don't know if I'm ready yet to spill the beans, but I can say now that I was struggling. There were a few people who checked up on me and straightened me out. I love accountability partners. :) I had the full support from all around me, but I was still struggling here and there. I know God was testing me in every which way. I was having a good relationship with Him. I learned to be forgiving. On top of that, my first-ever retreat was amazing. On one of the nights, we prayed 5 hours straight and I let down my guard. I knew what I was doing wrong and I knew what I needed to do. I felt so refreshed afterwards. Then there comes battle after victory. The devil was slowly taking over me once again. I mean, they weren't big things - don't get me wrong. I wasn't killing anybody. But sometimes, even the littlest things can become pretty irritating and frustrating to deal with. (SO confusing, huh?) These are all internal things. Like I said before, I put it all on myself because I took on many things. I like the challenge though. Sleeping 2-3 hours a night without any naps, eating one meal a day, always on the run in between classes and practices. Even though it's physically draining and has me fatigued at the end of every night, looking back at it, I think that's my guilty pleasure. To say that I accomplished this and that in a day - it feels kinda good. After this quarter, I feel like I can accomplish anything. God is still my best friend through thick and thin. I still struggle with feeding myself with the Bible every day, but it's something I'm working on. Life is just so much better when you depend on Him. I'm sure that I was only able to deal with all of this because of constant prayers. Which reminds me that I learned that it's okay to ask for prayers. Through the roughest times, the best results came after having prayer sessions with friends. I just realized that I thought I was very independent. I used to say to myself that I could do everything on my own. I CAN'T! I just realized that I ran to so many people at every low point this year. I needed to vent and some kind of comfort or someone telling me that everything will be okay. So many close friends are leaving me after this year, and I'm a little afraid. I guess that's an issue I'll deal with later on. Let me just add that I find it funny when people say they "know" who they are. I mean, I know who I am in that I know what my limits are and I know what's wrong/right. But I'm constantly realizing things about myself by the minute. Do I really know who I am? I guess that's the joy in life: trying to discover what we're really made out of. I guess this is sort of an introduction to a 21-year-old version of Diana. I don't want to be just "surface-level" anymore. haha. Oh my goodness I must be getting old. (I'm still pretty kiddy at heart - I know you know that I don't have to explain that part.) And yes, someday, I'll read this entry and laugh about it! This entry officially took 3 hours to complete. I shall hit the hay now. G'nite! |
